It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

Last night I locked the cats out of the bedroom so that I could get some sleep. I don't know why, but they've been fighting again. Not seriously, but loudly - howling-growling fights right when I'm dropping off to sleep, and then again between 3 and 5 AM. I really needed sleep last night. I didn't want to lock them out, but just as I started to fall asleep, Floyd went for Brian. So I kicked them both out, and how restful the night was after that.

I had an awful day yesterday, due to lack of sleep, stomach problems, PMS, car repair stress, work stress, and on, and on. All little problems that joined forces with the undercurrent of anxiety that I always have, until everything seemed so awful and insurmountable.

I have learned that I need to wallow in these feelings a bit before putting my head down and plowing through them like the bull that I am. If I don't wallow, if I just push the feelings away, they come back at least twice as hard. And that's when panic attacks happen. Better to avoid the panic attacks.

I also know that I need good sleep to help with the anxiety. And so, no cats in the bedroom.

I have a birthday coming up, and it's the very busy season at work, so usually I'm not focused on any of the myriad celebrations of my birth. Being so busy just makes the time fly, and then all of a sudden WOOOO, PRESENTS! CAKE! BREAKFAST PIZZA! And then the presents and cake and breakfast pizza relieve any work stress that is building up, and then everything is hunky-dory for the rest of the summer.

Except last year. Last year I experienced the worst PMS mood swings I've ever had in my life, directly on my birthday. As I was walking out to my car to go to work, one of my favorite bracelets just fell apart off of my wrist. I was crouched down, trying to find the glass beads in the front lawn, when I cried for the first time that day. Just a few tears, but it marked the way the rest of the day was going to go. I cried on my way to work, thinking about a sad news story from months before, and then I cried because I had so much work to do once I got to my desk.

This just went on throughout the day - I would cry every time someone noticed I was upset. I would cry trying to tell people why I was so upset. Oh, it was just a wet, overwhelming, miserable day in my world. By the time some friends took me out for drinks on a wonderful patio, I was so drained that I could barely speak. Maybe I wallowed in my emotions a little too much that day.

Yesterday, when I was feeling the most freaked out, the thought occurred to me - at least the anxiety isn't taking over on my birthday. Yup, I'm always seeing the silver lining.


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