haters on the blog *EDITED*

I am enjoying the most incredible Thanksgiving break with my family - so much good food, so much relaxing, so many giggles from various nieces and nephews! I'm having such a great time that today is the first time I've checked my email since Tuesday. I was delighted to find some comments from a person called 'Eric.' Normally I just delete hateful comments, because I don't have time for that bullshit, but these comments made me LOL, so I decided to share them with you, along with my comments in bold.

Hi, my name is 'Eric'.
-Um, are you not sure of your own name? Or is this your clever way of pointing out that it's an alias, and that you're too cowardly to put your real name? Either way, not an auspicious start.

I'm in grad school for psychology, and lately I've been "practising" for lack of a better term, analysing people's blogs.
-Oh... great... that certainly sounds promising. You're “practising.” Because you can't think of a better term. By analysing my irregularly updated blog. I'm sure you'll be useful.

Here's what I believe to be the armchair version. I came across this blog, via twitter. What stuck out to me about your tweets was the level of negativity. Almost all your tweets have to do with people annoying you, or how stupid your co-workers are. When someone concentrates so much on people's negative traits, it’s almost always a defense mechanism; you don't have to work on and improve yourself if you put that energy into people’s negative traits, real or imagined. ; you look a lot better to yourself if everyone around you is unintelligent/ annoying.
-Wow, you got all of that from 140-character tweets? You're going to be the best psychologist EVER!! (P.S. That was sarcasm. Since you couldn't seem to perceive that most of my tweets are sarcastic or tongue-in-cheek, I felt that I needed to point out the sarcasm I'm directing at you.)

"Off to see The Avengers! I think there are going to be some annoying people in there, if the lobby is any indication". This is actually a cry of attention, more specifically affection.
-Yes. I definitely was craving affection from the methhead at the movie theater. Hey, wait, I saw the Avengers last spring. I'm sorry, are you analyzing my blog, or my Twitter feed? Or are you stalking me?

Please consider the possibility that every person you know, and every room-mate you’ve ever had is annoying or unintelligent.
-Why? I've certainly never said that, and I certainly don't believe it, so why should I consider it? I know a lot of intelligent, interesting, un-annoying people, and I've had some as roommates. The roommates I bring up on my blog are not in this group. Wow, 'Eric,' please consider the possibility that you're ALREADY failing as a fake psychologist, with your sweeping generalizations.

The odds that the issue lies with everyone you know, rather than with yourself is statistically insignificant. I'm sure it's crossed your mind, but not too many people would put so much energy into complaining about a room-mate.
-See above re: NOT everyone I know is mentioned on this blog, negatively or otherwise. And... how would you know how much energy I'm expending, unless you're stalking me?

It's completely obvious, textbook even, that you have unresolved romantic feelings for him/her ("Pothead"). I would recommend that you initiate a dialogue, unrequited love isn't healthy.
-Yes, nothing makes me hotter than a dude who can't flush the toilet without clogging it, who can't be bothered to clean up after himself, who sits in his room all day and all night like a mythical troll under a bridge, which results in a sepulchural pallor to his skin (look it up If you need to, sweetie)... yeah, I'm swooning while I write this. Pothead sure is a catch!

It's unfortunate that you're not very attractive (as evidenced by your twitter pic). That is the root of your problems, although a malignant tree seems to have grown, complete with bitter fruit, which, again, is unfortunate.
-Whoa, nice root/tree imagery. You're, like, TOTALLY going to be a poetic psychologist.

The causes are usually quite typical: around the time you entered secondary school, that's when you started to notice that there was a difference between you and the other girls. Guys would notice them, and not you. Because of this (and this is quite common), you became angry, meaning you're most likely hard to deal with.
-Oh shit, you figured me out! I need to go out and get a bunch of plastic surgery so that I can look like a Barbie Doll and get some male attention.

Usually a female in this situation doesn't have or get along with many males, and most times the only people that you're comfortable hanging out with are meek women, letting you be the "alpha".
-MEEK women? You obviously haven't met my female friends. So you're not a very good stalker either. And wait - if this is "quite common," and I'm the "alpha" because I'm ugly, does that mean that all of my "meek" friends are hot? They'll be happy to hear that, so I can't wait to berate them for it!

When someone develops this sort of personality, it’s a defense mechanism. In this case, you having a bitter angry personality puts the power of not dating in your hands. Perhaps you have a history of having crushes on openly gay men; this is safe for you, because there’s no chance of anything romantic developing.
-OUCH. Words can hurt like a fist, 'Eric'! And, since I'm female, I can't be angry for a good reason, right? For instance, I can't be angry because Pothead is a douchebag; it must be because I can't find a man!

In effect, men don't look at you, so you've turned bitter, making being eternally single seemingly your own choice: "I am my own boyfriend!". However, that's a very two dimensional way to be, and I imagine not very fulfilling. You must agree as well, it seems that you fill the rest of your life with being such a staunch liberal, a devoted aunt.
-I only became a “staunch liberal' so that I could get laid.

If you continue on this path, they'll be the only "children" you will ever have, you have almost full-blown cat-lady syndrome, as we jokingly call it, and that's no way to be.
-By “we,” do you mean the psychological healthcare community? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to pick on the people you're trying to “help”. AND I'm pretty sure that the whole “cat-lady syndrome” joke isn't limited to the psychological healthcare community. Also, if you'd bothered to read more than one blog entry (since, as you say, you're analyzing my blog), you should have noticed quite a few mentions of the fact that I don't want children, and don't give a shit about getting married. Although you seem to have a pretty dim view of women, so I guess you think I'm lying. Misogyny isn't cool, 'Eric.'

So, in conclusion, here’s a few tips: You should immediately change your diet, bad eating habits are a huge factor in people’s moods.
-...How do you know what I eat, since it's not on my Twitter or blog? Again, I'm going with stalker.

By the same token, you should do as much cardio as you can, you’d be amazed at how good you feel when you drop a few pounds.
- See above, re: stalker. Although apparently you're too lazy to stalk me while I am walking everywhere.

I also highly recommend seeing a psychologist. Also, you probably need some antidepressants, and/or anti-anxiety medication. If you are already on medication, it needs to be tweaked, it’s not doing its job. Well, I do hope I’ve given you some insight, good luck!
-are psychologists the people who CAN'T prescribe medication? YOU ARE NO HELP AT ALL.

-But wait, 'Eric' isn't done yet!

I did forget to mention something...when someone like you (fat, flat-chested, unfortunate-looking and a bitter, abrasive personality) a lot of times force themselves to become a lesbian.
-Wait, is this critique of my appearance still from my Twitter pic, which shows me from the neck up? Not too smart, 'Eric.' Oh, and this sentence made no sense. I'm pretty sure that psychologists need to be able to write complete sentences that make sense, dude.

This is a bad move. Women are not going to be interested in you, same as men, until you take care of at least one or two of your main issues, as listed in the parenthesis above. Although, there is always the possibility that you're already a lesbian, that you've already been too scarred by the rejection of men. You should make as many changes as quickly as you can, judging by your pics on twitter, you look to be in your early 40's...statistically the chances of marriage go down drastically every year. More advice to follow....
-Wait, are you advising me to “force” myself to go lesbian, or are you advising me to make your recommended changes BEFORE I “force” myself to go lesbian? But if I make the changes, and the men fall all over me and quit rejecting me, why would I “force” myself to go lesbian (because, in your warped little mind, women only go lesbian if they can't get a man, not by choice, apparently)? Your reasoning is just plain bad.

I'm pretty sure that 'Eric' is someone who knows me IRL, possibly even Pothead himself, in which case, I'm impressed by his spelling, although some of the sentences don't make sense. I'm not so impressed with the punctuation - it's called the COMMA; look into it!

'Eric' says that he'll be back to offer more advice, but I don't think so. My blog, my rules, my comment moderation. And, since I use up SOOO much energy being negative and ugly and fat and flat-chested, I just don't have the energy to pick on 'Eric,' should he ever actually come back.  (That was more sarcasm, 'Eric.')

To sum up: EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

*EDITED* - 'Eric,' I'm done with you. You seriously have nothing to offer, your "advice" is trite and meaningless, and you're obviously full of sour grapes and hatred for me. So give it up. Maybe look into why YOU'RE so negative and hypocritical, and why YOU think that all women are just starved for male companionship, even if they're lesbians, I guess. (Hint: all of this is your problem, not mine.) Maybe go get some help for yourself, since you seem to have so many problems with women, especially with strong females. Either way, get off of my blog, mmkay?


Literary Auntie said…
SPOILER ALERT: 'Eric' = Pothead. Although (and I don't know if you've figured this out yet, dear readers, but it was a TOTAL SURPRISE to me) Pothead is not his name.
Baby Cakes said…
Um, this is amazing! I have had my fair share of crazy roommates, so I feel your pain. I LOVE how he tries to blame all his douchebag-ery on the fact that you "can't find" a man. What a loser! p.s. this is sommer, your old OD fave from back in the day :)
Literary Auntie said…
Sommer. Holy Crap, how ARE you! Yeah, I remember some of your roommates...
Baby Cakes said…
I am doing good! It's been a long ass time. It's been a while since I've made the blog rounds (obviously) so that is why it's taken me a month to reply to this comment. I still have my OD actually, but I really suck at writing in it anymore.

Popular Posts