a review of "Single White Vampire" by Lynsay Sands

I had so much fun writing this review for Goodreads that I thought I'd share it here. Honestly, it's the only fun to be had out of this book.


This is a book that I definitely should not have bothered finishing. I thought it was going to be a fluffy summer read. Instead, I was either bored or annoyed for most of the novel, but for some reason, even though I know better, I kept hoping that the story would pick up. It did not. I remained bored and/or annoyed.

There are several times when a dumb joke goes way too far, because you can tell that the author finds it hilarious. For instance, the main character Kate, who presumably grew up with a working knowledge of pop culture and lives in New York City, repeatedly refers to "doobies" as "debbies," and this is supposed to be funny and endearing and cute. Instead, it's insulting to the reader. Another time, the author spends several pages discussing a codpiece that has become stuck to a tablecloth. Ha ha ha! Still another time, the author spends several pages on what is apparently  supposed to be some kind of slapstick search for condoms. "His plan - he began to worship her body - was to drag out the foreplay until the condoms arrived." Later on: "This condom business could really put a crimp in the act of lovemaking." Seriously? This is supposed to be entertaining? CONDOMS, amirite?

Lucern's vampirism is explained with half-assed wannabe science, which Kate has a firm grasp on, but then inexplicably forgets later in the book, for no good reason. Of course, at that point she hilariously ponders whether she might be a necrophiliac. So funny! And the "romance" often made me cringe. I sensed no discernable spark between Lucern and Kate, but suddenly (the author tells us), BOOM, connection. I don't consider this a spoiler, because it's right on the back cover.

Since the author has a tendency to lazily over-explain pretty much everything you can think of, it sort of makes sense that she would just tell you that the characters were in love, rather than "showing" you, as a good writer would.

Some other cringeworthy things - Kate comparing Lucern's emotional opening up to her to a turtle extending beyond its shell (so romantic). And this description, which caused me to put the book down and stare at the wall opposite me, wondering if I really just read that: "She had rosy nipples, which topped breasts pointing at him like a pair of binoculars. He wanted to reach out and grasp them as he would binoculars, but rather than look through them, he wanted desperately to lick and suck and..."

Hey, you know what's hot? NOTHING IN THIS BOOK.

EDITED TO INCLUDE: Oh yeah, and Kate's homophobic. She disgustedly wonders if Lucern is gay, and when she has what she considers visual "proof" of this, she calls him a pervert. How could I have forgotten this?!? Awful, awful, awful.


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