all brain

I flopped down on my bed yesterday afternoon, stomach first. My body started settling into the bed and relaxing, and I was really paying attention to every second of it, every minute change in my arms and neck and back and legs. And it occurred to me that, unless I'm in some sort of pain, I don't really pay much attention to my body and how it's doing.

I don't feel the need to push my body to its limits, to train for hard things. No Mount Everest, no Iron Man. I don't feel the need to perform yoga moves where I balance on my arms, upside-down. I admire the drive of other people to do such things, but I don't value these things for myself. I don't even exercise, beyond a vigorous walk and a few flights of stairs every day. Sometimes I watch something like "Kill Bill" and then have momentary flights of fancy like, "Ooh, I should train to become a ninja assassin!", but these moments pass pretty quickly. I would much rather push my mind out past its boundaries.

My brain feels flexible, agile, capable of anything. My body, strong and sturdy though it may be, is clumsy and awkward. Good for walking without tripping (mostly), and moving furniture, gracelessly. I am constantly getting bruises on my legs and hips, scrapes on my hands, because I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I don't pay close enough attention to objects that I'm trying to walk around or interact with.

Sometimes, when I'm reading or concentrating on a task at work, my body completely disappears. I get so lost in my mental gymnastics that I may as well be a brain in a jar. Or Krang.

The only time I feel a nice mind/body synchronicity is when I take long walks around Buffalo. My mind is free to wander, unfettered, and my body is free to move, move, move. Sometimes I get into a state where every though, every swing of my arms feels so in tune. And then I feel less antsy.

I feel more connected, less lost in my head.


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