Words I like

I am home sick, with a rather awful head cold. It's the kind of day when I'm thinking about everything and nothing, and if you add in a head cold, I guess I'm not thinking very coherently.

I have been making a list of words I like. Words like "espionage," "apothecary," "propulsion," "veldt." There are more words, but I can't remember them all. I wrote them down upstairs.

I've been thinking about writing. I've always wanted to write, but it used to be the case that I had no ideas. I didn't try very hard to get ideas. Now I have a ton of ideas, but no drive. As soon as I sit down to record things, I lose the scope, the drive, the part of the idea that seemed good. Maybe when I'm 35 or 40, I can finally get something out.

I've been worrying about money -it never goes away, really, the worry. But it's worse in times like these, when people are getting laid off left and right. My mom is now on unemployment and disability. And, well, I don't have the best track record with money. I'll be kind of screwed if anything happens with my car or my living situation or my job. But it's easy to worry less when your head is full of fog.

I've been wandering the house like a wraith, cats at my feet wherever I go. I'm pretty certain it's the sickness talking, but I feel like I might not have the stamina to make it through this winter. Usually I'm all about the darkness and the cold, but I need some sunshine. Some vitamin D. Had I not felt so awful today, I would've taken a walk. And the fake spring we're having in Buffalo right now isn't helping.

I've been thinking about thinking. I love hanging out with my family, but after a few days, I start to feel my brain atrophy. My family lives in such a small town, where people drink and drive for fun. Not a cultural mecca, though I believe aspects about it should make it a more cultural place. I really wish my entire family would move to Buffalo. I feel like I need to be in Buffalo to think properly - I need independent films and coffee houses and long walks. Buffalo's big enough that I can lose myself, but not so big that noise drowns out my thoughts.

I think I really like Gwyneth Paltrow's blonde hairdo in "Sliding Doors." I wish my hair would do that.

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Comments

A Fuss said…
Ditto, ditto, ditto. Do you want to get together when you feel better? Seeing as how I'm unemployed I can get together whenever.
Julia said…
"Buffalo's big enough that I can lose myself, but not so big that noise drowns out my thoughts."

I LOVE this sentence. I wish I could write that well even with a clear mind much less a foggy one!

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