bad-vibes mall

I'm ill, so please excuse me if I ramble.  I spent a couple of days debating with myself and with others about whether I was suffering from ragweed allergies - for the first time ever - or some sort of head cold/virus.  I'm still not sure, and I don't give a shit anymore.  I would just like to stop being exhausted and full of snot.

I keep thinking about deep woods, dim green light, being alone in the quiet.  Being able to just sit and enjoy feeling kind of lonely, kind of wild.  I have been thinking about writing a long blog about how much I like to be alone, that it's actually easier for me to be alone than to socialize, sometimes.  But my head is fuzzy.  Also, someone covered it:  lovely.

I have spent all of this weekend alone, though not by any choice of mine.  Whenever I think of going outside, I get exhausted and go to bed instead.  I have been having a lot of dreams.  This morning I was dreaming about a mall that I've dreamed about before.  It's a bad-vibes mall - tons of stores, but nothing I want to buy, ever, and yet I'll be there, wandering, wandering.  It's hard to explain how bad the mall can feel when it doesn't even have any zombies in it, but there you go.  I often dream about a bad-vibes mall.

This morning, in my dream, I got into an argument with a man and his wife in the parking lot of the mall, because the man tore a sticker off of my car and ended up tearing off quite a lot of the heating element on the rear window, somehow.  There was a lot of yelling.  And then I had to go to a stationery store to buy a gift, and a stationery store WOULD be right up my alley, except that I never got there.  Too many kids on sorbet-colored skateboards, flying through the air, not caring who they ran into.  I had to retreat.

At the end of the dream, I ran into my Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Calvin (he died in the spring, but was alive and well and like his old self in my dream).  They managed to calm me down, and then I woke up because my phone was ringing.  Owen was in my ear, telling me about Malachai playing video games, asking when I was coming down.  Then he gave the phone to Nicky, who said that she called me because "Owen wanted to say nice things" to me.  Isn't that sweet?


I keep having to slump back into my chair and stare at nothing every few minutes.  Ugh, I want to feel healthy again, and not like some delicate Victorian lady who is suffering from some lingering disease.  I mean, I don't even OWN a fainting couch.

Oh, last night I saw a movie that I really liked, "The Vicious Kind."  If you're like me, and you like indie dramas full of damaged characters, you might be into it.  I liked the complexity of it, the main character who conversationally says that all women are whores, such a casual misogynist until you start to see more, deeper... plus fucked-up families.  I do enjoy seeing fucked-up families on film, maybe because my family is so non-nuclear but also so non-fucked-up.  (Yay for my family, seriously.)

I'm too tired to ramble any further.  I think a pot of tea and a pint of ice cream might be in order.  Need to keep my strength up.


Popular Posts