Oh, Clive

I thought I'd finally gotten over my car freak-outs. I thought that I'd resigned myself to the fact that my old car, tank though he is, will need repairs from time to time, and I will probably not get a lot of warning. I thought I was pragmatic about it.

But now my car is leaking oil, and I am freaking out. I know that freak-outs don't just come out of nowhere, and I can point to several of the factors that are leading to my rising level of hysteria:

• I just paid a $200 deductible because some doucher decided to break into my car and strip the ignition. I'm glad that I pay for comprehensive coverage, and I recognize that I would have paid twice what I did on my own, but SOME CREEP BROKE INTO MY RUST-BUCKET CAR, WHICH HAS A TAPE DECK AND NOTHING OF WORTH, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY FOUND NOTHING OF VALUE TO STEAL, THEY MADE MY CAR UNDRIVEABLE. For the sheer fuckery of it. I cannot seem to get over that. And my insurance company started out strong, but ended with a fizzle (they closed the case before the car had even been fixed, delaying the repairs). And the garage wasn't MY garage, so even though they were pretty professional and quick once they finally got the OK to fix the car, I just didn't feel comfortable with them.
• An oil problem on an old car is the most nightmare car scenario I can think of. It could be something very cheap, something very expensive, or anything in between, and since I can't see where the leak is coming from, I can't even research online to allay my fears a bit. While my garage would never gouge me on prices, I am terrified of hearing what is wrong. At least if my transmission went, I would know to let the car go... you know? Although I really can't afford a new car right now. Not even a new-to-me car. Because...
• I am trying to save for an upcoming week-long cruise in November. The cruise and flight down are paid for, and I have to pay my friend back and save for all of the other expenses, and need I repeat that I just spent $200 unexpected dollars on my car? I have considered telling my friend that I will give her my firstborn child, but since she knows that I don't want to have children, that ruse might not work.
• I get paid biweekly, and my car repair will line up with my next check. What if it takes my whole check to repair the car? For some reason, I am terrified that I won't be able to feed my cats, even though I had cats when I was destitute in my early 20s (like, almost homeless), and I had no problem feeding the cats then. Or drinking to excess. Ah, grad school.

Really, I need about 5 or 10 minutes to let myself fully freak out. When I am working or when I am trying to sleep - these are not good times to give in to the hysteria. I think tonight I'll schedule a freak-out, and then I have all weekend to relax. By the time Monday rolls around, I will be calm as fuck. Right? Right?