No more GERMS! (no more Fester!!)

Hey, everyone! I have found a new, gorgeous apartment, all to myself and my cats, and I am blissfully roommate-free! Before I embark on my lovely, one-bedroom-apartment life, I wanted to do one last Fester dump of an entry. I know, I wrote a book here, but keep in mind that this all happened over months and months. Even when I tried my hardest to ignore Fester and keep the peace, he was still fixating on me, and I documented everything in case his behavior escalated to the point where I felt unsafe.

When it became clear that Fester was just a childish coward (funny, considering how many times he called me a coward), I kept on documenting. Now I'm going to share this lengthy roommate rant with you... one last roommate rant from the apartment I lived in for 8 and a half years.

Fester's rules:

• I am a coward because I never said anything to his face when his being a gigantic slob got on my nerves (not true at all, but someone has a very selective memory, and it isn't me).
• I am a coward for posting anything about him on my blog or Twitter. Also, even though I was obviously venting, didn't expect him to read any of it, and didn't use his real name, he seems to consider this harassment.
• I am a coward when I don't post anything about him on my blog or Twitter. To the sane person, it should be obvious that I stopped posting about Fester so that he'd calm the fuck down and ignore me as I tried to ignore him. Yeah, that didn't work. He is obsessed with me.
• I'm a coward for leaving notes about cleaning up after himself when it became obvious that Fester wouldn't talk to me in a rational manner. He insists that this never happened (by note, of course), but he has gone into his room and yelled at me through the door in the past - and he's yelled through his bedroom door at me SINCE he insisted that he's never done that. He sees no problem with leaving typed-out notes for me on the stairs up to my room, with passages from my blog inserted to show me how awful I am.
• I'm a coward for contacting Shon, the landlord, about things that Fester has done. I did this after talking to Fester and notes to Fester didn't work. I did this when Fester stopped being a slob in general and started constantly trying to yell at me and bother me on purpose (in fact, Fester told me - through a note - that he would change none of his behavior, and that I should move out if I didn't like it). At that point, I had no idea if he was dangerous or not, and my friends and my own mother were telling me to watch out for him, because he was obviously unhinged. So yeah, I contacted my landlord. 
• I'm somehow admitting guilt for whatever stupid bullshit Fester accuses me of if I don't contact Shon. Also, I'm a coward.
• When I argue with him, I do it like a coward. Apparently I don't look at him enough or something...? Really, the sight of him makes me nauseous. He's all dingy and gross. And, when he starts yelling at the top of his lungs and spitting all over the place, it's not like he's capable of being reasoned with. Just because he starts a fight about something completely moronic doesn't mean that I'm obligated to let him finish. But, of course, he doesn't get this.
• When I refuse to fight with him because I have better things to do, I'm a coward.
• Nothing that he's done - clogging the toilet multiple times, telling me that I need to clean the fridge out for him, leaving disgusting messes in the sink and on the countertops, letting things rot in the kitchen, stuffing the garbage as full as possible and then blaming me when the garbage bag breaks, doing things on purpose to annoy me, etc., etc. - justifies my behavior towards him. This is another way of saying that Fester can do no wrong, and I'm an evil witch for expecting him to clean up after himself like an adult and to not act like a gigantic, festering douchebag.
• Fester thinks that he will "win" if I move out. I don't really care, since I am now rid of him and his disgusting, poisonous presence, his douchey, loud voice, and his gross messes.

Facts about Fester:

• Fester has been unemployed since the summer of 2012, and he's never had any friends over. I contend that his personality is so horrible that he has a hard time staying employed and keeping friends. He rarely leaves the house.
• Fester insists that we have a mutual acquaintance, who informed him about my blog and my "loud mouth." Considering that Fester is the type who would love to name another person who hates me, I highly doubt it. Also, he has never brought up anything that I've written on my private Facebook account, only things that I've written on my public blog and Twitter. If we have a mutual acquaintance who isn't really my friend, as Fester said, he'd have heard about my Facebook posts, and yet... nothing. Fester just doesn't want to confess that he Google-stalked me.
• Fester signed my email up for 2,500 mailing lists in December. The location IP address matched our house, but unless someone broke into my room and used my computer while I was at work, the mailing list requests didn't come from my email. Considering the amount and frequency of emails I received due to this, this is considered cyber-harassment by the state of New York. Since I wouldn't be able to press charges without getting the internet to the entire house turned off, I didn't press charges.
• Fester has left several anonymous comments on my blog. These comments started right when Fester found my blog and told Shon that he thought I was trying to evict him (???). I published the long, hilarious, pseudo-psychology ones from "Eric," but didn't publish ones from "Francois S," which is the Google profile that Fester created when I turned off the ability to anonymously comment on my blog. The ones I didn't publish included lines like "No one will ever fall in love with you" and "Your father never loved you." Apparently these are the lines that he thinks will destroy a woman - how juvenile! Meanwhile, I laughed at his dumb ass. Oh, and Fester pretty much admitted that these comments were him, and AFTER he admitted it is when he left the remark about my father - did he forget that he told me it was him? Or is he just that dumb?
• UPDATE on the anonymous comments: February 18th, while I was gone for a three-day weekend - "Most everyone you come into contact with day-to-day think [sic] you are not pretty." Awww, someone missed me. And has horrible writing skills.
• ANOTHER UPDATE: In March, I told him that I knew he was leaving the anonymous comments, and he denied it. Then, oddly enough, the anonymous comments completely stopped. Brilliant.
• A friend stumbled onto Fester's dating profile and shared some tidbits with me: Fester talks about how awful I am and says that I probably cause cancer. Yeah, I'm sure women of the web LOVE to hear such things when they're looking for romance! (And yes, my friend has met Fester, and he was completely rude to her. She was more than happy to share how gross he is, even when he is trying to attract ladies.)
• After I heard about this, I searched for him online (I don't feel the need to hide this at all, unlike Fester), and I found a Twitter account under his real name, which has since been shut down. Some of the charming tweets were along the lines of "Hey ladies, if you don't like being called c*nts, then quit being such awful c*nts all the time," and "If someone is fat, ugly, and hasn't killed themselves yet, it's because they had too much therapy." I'm paraphrasing - I really wish I'd gotten a screenshot of his attempts at being "edgy" and "funny."
• Fester asked his landlord to fill out paperwork so that Fester could scam the unemployment office. I had to put that in bold - what a scumbag!!
• One time, in January, I came into the kitchen, where Fester was on the phone. He went from talking very quietly to loudly saying, "And what do I have to do to get my girlfriend on this account?" I guess I was supposed to be jealous or something, but I was laughing. In mid-February, Shon told me that he had heard THE EXACT SAME PHONE CONVERSATION the night before. Apparently Fester tried to impress us with a fake girlfriend. It didn't work.
• Shon has heard Fester trying to turn new roommates against me and Shon (real smart to piss off your landlord, Fester). Fester can't seem to control his loud douche-voice, and he's kind of dumb, so maybe it didn't occur to him that people upstairs can hear him when he's talking shit about them in the kitchen. I have heard Fester make several possibly homophobic remarks about Shon, who is gay.
• Fester's name is not Fester. It's not Pothead either. In his first douchebag screed to me, he actually wrote that, like I didn't know that Pothead was not his real name. "My name is not Pothead." No shit, Sherlock! Maybe he thinks I should have put his real name. So dumb.
• At one point, all Fester ate was Jim's Steak Out and foods drowning in Marie's Chipotle Ranch dressing. He was going through a jar of dressing a day - I told Shon this, and he said that he thought I was exaggerating until he started to see the empty jars piling up in the sink for himself. And maybe this is why Fester couldn't use the toilet without clogging it for the longest time.

Some of the "Little Things" that Fester has done to annoy me/because he's a douche. Recently I heard Fester douche-yell to another roommate that he's turning 34 in March, so keep that age in mind while you read through this list. This dude is 34 years old:

• Knocking on the door when I am in the shower, asking if he (a complete stranger at the time) could come into the bathroom and "grab a few things" - who does that?!? A dumbass, that's who.
• Leaving vile clogged toilets for someone else to take care of, several times. In fact, he has done this more than all of the other roommates I've ever had, combined. 
• Leaving the kitchen garbage can open (for someone who is worried about GERMS, this seems asinine and counterproductive).
• Leaving the shower curtain open/half out of the tub, so that it drips on the floor (he is worried about GERMS, but not MOLD, I guess).
• Dirty dishes in the sink and all over the counter - GERMS!
• Messes all over the small kitchen counter - dried-on food, garbage that he can't bother to transfer to the garbage can, which is five feet away, etc. GERMS!
• His food taking over the small kitchen counter, until Shon moved it to a cabinet.
• Coffee left in the pot for so long that it molded over - again, he doesn't care about MOLD. I had to clean this out, even though I have never used that coffee maker.
• Pulling out just one side of the bathroom garbage, which is usually flush against the wall.
• Pushing everything that he can (the giant ceramic vase, the plant, the soap dish, etc.) all the way to the farthest edge of whatever stand these things are on in the bathroom.
• Opening the drawer where I keep my hair ties and the door to the chest that holds my bathroom things, and moving/rearranging my shower things. One weekend, while I was gone, he threw a piece of (hopefully unused) toilet paper in with my things.
• Wasting a ton of my hair products. I know he can't be using them, because his hair is awful and adds to his general look, which seems to consist of looking as pallid, gross, and mentally unhinged as possible. But I went to use my hair cream, and there were huge handfuls scooped out (I could see the finger marks).
• Pulling the full/recently filled ice trays out of the freezer and throwing them into the sink full of dirty dishes, because he needs to be able to keep 20 pizzas in the freezer - no one else is allowed to use the freezer, I guess.
• Putting the tiniest bit of dish soap in my water glass, so that when I fill it, it fills full of bubbles.
• Not picking up the mail, which comes through a slot in the front door. Instead, he steps on it, or pushes it out of the way with the door.
• Not picking up his own mail, which is left on the entryway table. As far as I know, he doesn't have a personal secretary to do these things for him. He doesn't do this anymore, but there were times when I had to put his stack of mail outside his bedroom door to make him take care of it.
• Running into the bathroom every morning at 6:30 AM, when he heard me coming down the stairs to get ready for work. He didn't have any reason to be up, but he wanted to disrupt my bathroom time. A lot of times, he wouldn't even turn the light on or close the door all the way (or at all), so I would be treated to the sight of him peeing or sitting on the toilet. I didn't bother complaining about this: since I knew he was way too lazy to sustain getting up at 6:30 AM for no reason, I just put my toiletries in a bag and started getting ready for work in the kitchen.  
• Trying to stare me down if he sees me, anywhere in the house. This was supposed to intimidate me, I guess. One night, he opened our front door and stared at me while I was coming up the front stairs. When I called him out on it, he said, "I'm not staring at you! It's dark, I can't see anything!" Bullshit, buddy.  
• Loud, annoying noises. He'll sing (one time, he was singing his own name in the bathroom), or bellow like a gorilla, or yell like he's been hurt. Just to get attention. Just to be a douche. Although maybe this is involuntary, because he also moans in his sleep. Bad dreams for a bad person, I guess.
• Telling Shon that he feels sorry for me (why? because I like a clean house and an unclogged toilet?), and that he'll ignore me because he has "like, real life problems" to deal with, and then instigating almost every argument we've ever had. Way to ignore me, Fester.
• Telling Shon that he was studying nuclear medicine, and then spending pretty much all of his time either sleeping, poring over my blog, or trying to annoy me and pick fights with me. Nothing on my blog is going to teach Fester nuclear medicine. Also, he has all of his study materials spread all over the dining room table all the time, so that no one else can use it.
• For a short period of time, he kept turning off the house's heat. In Buffalo. In the winter.
• Faux niceness. If there's one thing I hate, it's fakeness. Fester will bellow, "Hey, how are you? I'm so glad to hear that!," like suddenly we're people who are polite to each other, like he didn't just spend some time the night before shoving everything over in the bathroom, solely to piss me off. When these fake niceties occur, I give him the bare minimum of an answer, and I don't smile, and I don't even really look at him. I don't give a shit if Fester is going around telling everyone how he tried to be nice, but I'm such a rude bitch that I wouldn't try to be nice back. I don't like fake, and I don't do fake, and obviously he does. Just another facet of his awful personality.

Some of the fights with Fester:

• Fester tried to make me jealous of Floyd. He seriously waited in his room to ambush me as I came out of the kitchen one night, so that he could get in my face and tell me that Floyd cuddled with him every day, and didn't that make me sooooooo angry? Um, no, Floyd is kind of a whore, but as soon as I'm home, he's pretty much all mine. I'm not going to be jealous of that, and I'm not going to try to stop Floyd from visiting around! But Fester trying to upset me with my own cat? - pretty fucked up, isn't it? Kind of mentally off? I found it funny at the time, but when I started thinking about it... Oh, and months later, I heard him telling another roommate that I hated him because Floyd liked him so much. He said something like, "That would upset ME if Floyd was MY cat." Yeah, but Fester is really immature, and I'm not. Again, Fester thinks that I have no good reason to dislike him.
• One day, on the street, he yelled in my face about Zelda puking in the kitchen while I was at work that day (as if I trained her to do this - if I could train her, it would be to puke in his bed). When I contacted Shon and said that Fester's behavior was ridiculous, and that I obviously didn't even have to do anything to provoke him to scream at me, Fester started a fight with me, accused me of being in his room because he read that on my blog (no, I said that I wouldn't go into his room because it was disgusting, but Fester can't read good), called me a coward, a fat bitch, a fat dyke, etc. At first I was all, "What the Hell?," but I had a friend over for a movie night, so I finally walked away from Fester and back upstairs. He continued yelling up the stairs while I said, over and over, "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" My friend yelled at him too, and witnessed how fucking unhinged Fester sounds. Completely unreasonable, escalating for no good reason, yelling just to yell. Oh, and before I went upstairs, Fester told me that Floyd hated me now, because cats are great judges of character. While he was spewing this nonsense, Floyd ran out of Fester's room and up the stairs with me.
• There were actually quite a few fights that were pretty much rehashings of this fight, to the point where I realized that he was all hot air, and I got bored with him. Maybe it showed, because he left me alone for about three weeks.
• He started a fight with me at 7:30 in the morning, one day in January, because I hung a towel (not even my towel) on the same hook that his towel was on, so this towel touched his stained, disgusting towel. He blocked my way out of the kitchen with his revolting, spongy body, yelled at me, and told me that I WOULD do as he said. Riiiiiiiight. I said "Excuse me" with increasing volume until he finally moved and let me by (false imprisonment is a crime, dumbass). Fester immediately contacted Shon to complain about me and GERMS, and Shon told Fester that there wasn't room for everyone in the bathroom to hang their towels all over, and that Shon was getting annoyed with Fester's selective germ phobias, since Fester basically lived in squalor in his room, but was complaining about kitty litter and towel-touching. Shon offered Fester the equivalent bedroom in the apartment downstairs, if Fester found it that hard to live with me. Fester refused to move. A text from Shon to Fester:

"________, you are living in shared housing and you are dramatizing this issue. The fact that you are not being solution driven and I am dealing with your phobias is starting to really annoy me. Simple solutions and common sense can take care of a lot of this stuff without it having to escalate into this kind of drama. You have an issue with Sarah and I can empathize and understand that. I'm offering you solutions. One is to move downstairs. Another is to move past this. What amazes me is your selective phobia of germs. I find myself rewashing some of your dishes and you obviously don't keep your room very clean. That is contradictory. I'm not saying you haven't had some valid issues but none of us wants to live in a hostile environment and I am trying to defuse that."

• A month later, he started a fight with Shon about locks on each and every bedroom door in the house. Even though Shon said that no one had ever stolen from another roommate in the house (and this is true in the 8 years that I've lived there), and that no one had ever broken into the house to steal things. Shon offered to put keyhole locks on the doors, saying that he wasn't going to drill into 150-year-old doors to install deadbolts. Fester said that keyhole locks were unacceptable, because people could pick them. Yes, and people can also kick open a 150-year-old door with a deadbolt on it. Shon told Fester that if he didn't like it, he could move out. Or, again, he could move downstairs, into the bedroom that already has a lock on it. Again, Fester said no, that he wasn't moving. When Shon did put in the locks that Shon wanted to put in, Fester insisted that Shon give Fester all copies of the key to the room that he rents in SHON'S HOUSE.
• Fester got into a fight with a newer roommate, who he'd become best buddies with as soon as she moved in. I didn't get any details, just that Fester freaked out about sugar, that she finally lost it with him because he was "spazzing out," and that now there were 15 pounds of sugar in the kitchen. She was eager to tell me all about it, but I think she was worried that Fester might come running out of his room for more yelling. This goes back to my earlier point about Fester's relations with people. He has managed to yell at almost everyone in the house, and he is, of course, the common denominator. He can't seem to get along with anyone, and he's willing to burn bridges over something as dumb as sugar.
• Oh, bear in mind that this dipshit who freaked out about my touching his towel (which I didn't even do) is the same dipshit who sees no problem with touching and messing with my things in the bathroom. Of course, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Fester is a massive hypocrite. The only argument that I instigated happened because I went into the bathroom to take a shower, and my soapdish was missing. I finally had enough, and I went roaring out into the kitchen. When I asked Fester where it was, another roommate grabbed it off the kitchen counter and said, "Here it is." Then I started yelling that Fester was not allowed to touch my things (the other roommate ran to her room, and I don't blame her). He said that I must have put the soapdish on the kitchen counter. Um, no, I don't manufacture fights - that would be him. I told Fester that I would be more than happy to call the cops if any of my things went missing, and he said that he would call the cops... because I was yelling at him, I guess? "Waaah, waaah, she yelled at me with her mean voice, officer!"

I find it funny that Fester goes on and on in his "anonymous" comments about how ugly and fat he thinks I am, when he is no prize himself. Fester is pasty, lumpen, and he looks like a deranged, basement-dwelling serial killer troll. In fact, I was watching "Jurassic Park" with my mother, and I started yelling that this little boy was a dead ringer for Fester:


Sorry, kid. You're actually a bit more attractive than Fester.

I know, I've had a lot of vitriol stored up for a long time. I seriously kept getting my hopes up that Fester would ignore me (and, unbelievable as it sounds, the wheels were in motion for my moving before Fester decided that messing with me was his full-time job). It has been very hard to try and hold my tongue while he was doing everything he could to drive me crazy, and I wasn't always successful.

So I commend you if you got all the way through this unbelievably long entry - I don't so much need it to be read as I needed to write it... And now, here's hoping that Fester gets his own life and quits stalking me on Twitter. I sincerely doubt that this will happen. I'm sure he'll keep on obsessing about me while he sits in his own filth, all alone in his room. I'm also pretty sure that he's going to be fighting with other members of the household, now that I'm gone, because he cannot keep his douche contained. But he is not my problem anymore. I am completely done with him, as of this entry; here's hoping I never see his disgusting face or hear his douche-yelling voice ever again!!