the drive
This is always an interesting time of year for me. With outdoor festivals and concerts, walks, drinks, my birthday coming up and all of the socializing that will entail, I tend to vacillate between being in a state of high excitement and being in a state of complete zombified exhaustion. There is no in between, usually.
But this year there is a change. Not a pleasant change. This year I am in a state of flux, some of which is against my will, some of which is me trying to better my life. I can be excited or exhausted, but lately I am more likely to be resentful or determined or a bit hopeless, sometimes all at once, with a soupcon of defiance thrown in for good measure. Even better, I feel like I spend my days silently stagnating. I spend my nights losing myself in whatever distractions I can find (maybe if I had better nightly distractions, my days wouldn't be quite so stagnant - something to ponder).
I don't want anyone to think that I've been constantly and consistently bleak lately, because I certainly have not. My friend Alex had a baby last weekend, which is flat-out awesome, and I've been hanging out quite a lot with other friends - and my family, as always, is a good time. I'm just getting to a point where I wonder whether other areas of my life will ever be anywhere near as good as the "family and friends" area.
Well, maybe some sleep to clarify things, and a concerted effort to write more. And a new job would be nice, and enough money to live on. And maybe I could work on being more patient, or at least become better at hiding my feelings when I should. Being free of the painful canker sores under my tongue would be a good start to all of this.
But this year there is a change. Not a pleasant change. This year I am in a state of flux, some of which is against my will, some of which is me trying to better my life. I can be excited or exhausted, but lately I am more likely to be resentful or determined or a bit hopeless, sometimes all at once, with a soupcon of defiance thrown in for good measure. Even better, I feel like I spend my days silently stagnating. I spend my nights losing myself in whatever distractions I can find (maybe if I had better nightly distractions, my days wouldn't be quite so stagnant - something to ponder).
I don't want anyone to think that I've been constantly and consistently bleak lately, because I certainly have not. My friend Alex had a baby last weekend, which is flat-out awesome, and I've been hanging out quite a lot with other friends - and my family, as always, is a good time. I'm just getting to a point where I wonder whether other areas of my life will ever be anywhere near as good as the "family and friends" area.
Well, maybe some sleep to clarify things, and a concerted effort to write more. And a new job would be nice, and enough money to live on. And maybe I could work on being more patient, or at least become better at hiding my feelings when I should. Being free of the painful canker sores under my tongue would be a good start to all of this.
Comments